Eyes so big...
Eyes so deep...
Eyes so brown...
Eyes so clear...
Eyes that see...
Eyes that know...
Eyes that want...
Eyes I adore...

Little something to think about

 

Never mind...

What a week... Hate my days off from work... Too many reminders of things that are going wrong at home... I'm actually bored tonight... Feels like I should be doing something but I can't figure out what... Just like when you have a craving but nothing sounds good enough... Need to talk to a couple of people again... Sorry ladies... Can't help me here... Need to hear certain things and answers before I can let you know more... Don't know myself yet what the outcome is going to be... I know it sounds vague and everything but  I don't have enough info yet... No it's not about me this time... I'm looking out for a friend right now... Need to hear from one person and based on what he/she has to say, I can make decisions on who I need to talk to next... I just hate to see people hurt... Especially people that I consider friends... Don't have many but nobody better mess with them... They'll pay... Random question out of nowhere... Is ice cream an essential food group... If so, does what kind matter... Had a good talk today... Found out things about people and everything... Sorry I'm vague... When I'm ready, you'll all know... Also made the decision that whatever is going on between me and D(see previous ones) is just friendship for now... I'm leaving it open... If it is meant to be, it will happen... If not it won't... Biggest thing though is that I know I'm not ready for anything right now... Was heading for a load of hurt and I'm thankful for your good advice... Guess it's strange that we live in a society where divorce is a bit too common now... I think it's not because we don't try anymore...I think it's because we do try and can admit when it's wrong... We're not afraid to loose face for anyone else... We don't ignore struggles and try to work them out and can admit when they don't... Power to us... The smart generation... Did I make other decisions... Sure but they're small ones... They matter to me but seem small to others I talked too... Some are personal and I don't want to share those... They're important only to me anyway... Might seem obvious or insignificant... The silly things we do in life... Don't you hate it when you open your mouth and as soon as it comes out, you wish you never said it... Hapens a lot lately... Like I'm thinking and talking at the same time... Actually that is what I do now... Makes it easier to understand what you're thinking about... Almost like having a conversation... You should try it... But do it when you're at home... Seems strange when you're grocery shopping... Gives you plenty of room around you though so maybe that's a good things... Anyways... Enough ramblings for tonight... Going to spend some time in #chat-world on undernet... Try it... it's liberating and addictive... Talk to you guys(non-gender salutation) later... PS: How was your day today?

Thank you for the comments... Each and every one of you... Still been mulling things over myself and starting to see what everybody is talking about...Everyone's right about not rushing into anything... I will make a promise to not do anything until I know who I am again... I do believe I'm lost (in more than one way)... There's no doubt there... It wouldn't be fair to anyone for me to pursue anything else than friendship... I'm not afraid of being alone... Look forward to coming home and it being my place, my stuff, my home,... Do I get bored... Sure just like everyone else... Do I get scared... I'll admit it... It's only human... Do I feel alone... Not really and I think that is my problem right now... I need a healthy dose of being alone... Well in a relationship point of view I am alone... I choose to be alone... Or at least will from now on... I like being on myself... Making my decisions... Doing my things... Spending my money... Wasting my time away shooting rubber bands in the house... I go to the zoo by myself... Go to the park and read... Go out to eat... And I feel fine... I feel great actually... It's almost as if I've been set free...One strange thing that I noticed yesterday is that my perception of the world is different... It's like I have a skewed vision of the world around me... Maybe my brain is working a bit too much overtime... Just too many things happening at once... Not enough time to deal with each one in turn... Still got plenty of rough times ahead... Well not a whole lot to say today... Guess it's strange to see a guy asking for help... Blame it on my European nature... That's the excuse I use to watch chick flicks and not be afraid to say I like em... Most guys do... They'll only admit in private though... I'm not afraid to say what I like and don't like... I'M EUROPEAN AND I LIKE CHICK FLICKS... Best movie ever: Ever After... BTW Venka...I would hope you know me better than to think I would do things out of lust... And the question... How are you doing today?

Wow... If there's one thing I don't get it's women... And their caring parents... Or should I say moms... I hate mixed signals...Why can't everything be just clear to see... Yesterday went over for a visit and had fun...Truly did... Talked to her mom for a while which was good and great...Put more things in perspective for me... Then we started talking about her daughter... I can understand she's concerned...I can understand that she's worried... But I get the feeling she doesn't want me to hang around her daughter too much... I can understand why but it's not her place to do so... I also don't think she knows everything her daughter and I talk about and do... No, don't think of it in that way... I'm a respectable guy... I have honor, respect and pride... We just talk a lot... A whole lot... We hang out... We have fun... To make this easy for you and me I'm calling her D and her mom M... Mom and Daughter... Easy right... M and D are like sisters or friends even... Much more than mom and daughter... They share everything... Before when I would talk to M she would always know what D and I talked about... Lately that's changed... In talking to M there's certain things that D hasn't mentioned or hasn't even told M that we talked at that time... Maybe M doesn't like that... Don't know... Yesterday we got to the subject of D... She wanted to know what I was after and how I felt about D... So I told her... Just want to be friends... For now... If there's ever more... I want it to be for the right reasons and at the right time... M said that's fine but what if D's not interested... That was kind of a shocker to me... Kind of... Still haven't figured out D yet either... We talk a lot... When I say lot, I mean more than what average friends do... Or even good friends... We talk every day... Every open spot in a day... D messages in the morning before she heads out... She messages on breaks... She messages whenever she can... Same goes for me but I won't be interrupted by something silly like work... Anyways... A lot... Every day... For a month and a half now... Seems pretty extensive to me... Or am I seeing things here...I'll have some questions today and I'm looking for answers...(Venka... Can I get some help here... Can you ask others to read this one too... Need input here... Kinda lost) Anyways... So I'm kinda confused now... Did M say that because D's not as open anymore... Did she say it because it's true... Did she say it because she doesn't think I'm right for D... Did she say it because at this point in time I shouldn't even be thinking about this... That last one is one I'm struggling with too... How do you know when you're ready again... I don't think I am yet... But I'm getting there... Don't mind being on my own anymore... The house is empty... Just me and the bunnies... That's fine... The bed is empty except for me... That's fine... Don't depend on anyone... That's a reallgy big fine with me... Just have a buttload of baggage right now.... Yes... I'm still married... I'll take care of that when the house sells... Too much paperwork involved if we divorce before that... Yes... I'll have huge financial obligations because of me trying to not upset the soon-to-be-ex... Serious debt... Talking five digit numbers here... My credit score looks good if it scored against a 10... Not all my fault but I was the one who didn't say no... So half of all that is mine... I don't think all these things really matter... Not really to anyone but they mean something to me... This is not something that I would do... I would never have debt... I would never have bad credit... It's not me... Part of it I blame on myself... Not having a backbone... But you do strange things for love... Especially if you think it'll make her happy and you'll work things out... Doesn't matter because you'll deal with it later when all is well again... That's how I got there... Doesn't make me proud and feels like a blemish on me... Doesn't feel like me...Anyways... Here's the list of questions... Answer them honestly... I'm looking for advice here... Would love to get female input... Don't have that female intuition...
1) Do I need to take care of everything before I can move on? I now about the divorce...That's obvious... Can I bring the baggage I have right now...
2) How do I know how D really feels? Is asking questions about what I really want a clue... Is her being mad at my soon-to-be-ex a clue...Is saying good night followed by first names a clue... Yesterday we were looking at pictures and her leg was touching mine and she didn't move to the side a clue... There's a ton more...Am I looking for clues or is she reall trying to send them... Female clues are so hard to interpret... And I don't have a lot of experience with them either... She doesn't stay in the same room with her parents when we talk... She sat in her truck for over an hour at her parents driveway to talk to me...
3) She's had a very bad experience in the past too... I know that if there is something, it'll happen slow... Neither of us wants to get hurt... Can there be a time when it gets to be too long?
4) Am I insane?
5) How can I tell what I really feel? No... I know what I feel...That's pretty obvious... How can I know I'm doing it for the right reason... To not be alone would be a very bad reason... I don't htink it's that...

Wow... It sure has been a while... Here's the 411... The Scoop... The whatever you want to call it... It's official now... The wife and I are getting a divorce... The house is up for sale... Actually has been for a month now... Got an offer on it already... Guess the sale is actually pending... Just waiting for buyer's response on inspection... Got a feeling they're trying to screw us on this deal with the inspection...(Anybody else like disco? Listening to it on background... Move that body... Can't resist it... Have to move) Has to sell soon before they repo it... Won't get diddly squat for it then... Would take care of the house tho... Guess that's good... Have to order credit check next to divide the financial obligations between the soon-to-be-ex and me... She worked us into a financial pit and I let her thinking things would turn out ok... Oh well... Lesson learned... We're not talking couple hundreds or thousands but bigger numbers... Funny thing is she's been trying to blame the whole thing on me... I wasn't the one sleeping around tho... I admit I had a temptation once but I realized what I was doing and cancelled the whole thing... I saw a good thing in that... She didn't... Look at it from my view... I was given an opportunity and still chose her... And even came clean about it... True... I'll admit... That's a big breach of trust... But I chose her... After that things were ok for quite a while... Then she got tempted and jumped in... No hesitation... Lied to me too... Guess I always knew it was going on but lived in denial... Love makes blind... It's true... I still believed we could get things worked out... At one point I had enough tho and asked her to choose... Him or me... She stopped seeing him but she never chose me either... She couldn't make a decision... I made it for us... Had to... Was the hardest thing I ever did... Still not completely over it... I know the onbly way for me to get over this, is to sever all ties... Emotional, financial, everything,... Still care for her... Don't get me wrong... Still want to be friends... Maybe that sounds strange but she's not a bad person... She's a good friend... There's just no way of getting back together... There's no love... Just have to cut all ties and then I think friendship can be there again... No dependency on each other should make it easier... On another note... Found a wonderful person to talk to... She's great... Beautiful, wonderful listener,... Have problem tho... How do I know what I'm feeling is real and not me trying to see things... I like her... like her a lot... But to keep it real, I just want to be good friends for now and see what happens later... I just want to know that I like her for the right reasons... not because I don't want to be alone... And then there's the bigger question... Does she like me back... And how much does she like me... Is it just as friends or is there more... Just tons of questions... Will I lose her by taking a step back or will it really not matter... What if I feel more and she doesn't... I she just very caring or is there more... I'm not asking for answers here but it's very confusing... I'll leave it at this for today... I'll be back soon...

Not that it's bad...Just stuck at work...That's bad...And nothing better to do...Just checking in and leaving messages...I'll try to be on more...How are you doing today?

Wow!!! Long time no write...Whew... Don't know where to start... I'll have to reread what I wrote before so I know where to continue... Write to you later...

OH MY GOD!!!!! This is total coolness...Just figured out a way to get pics on my blog...Sweet coolness...Thanks venka or dizzy...or could you be the same? * fake gasp*...LOL...Miss M you're slowly leaking your secrets here...then again...most of the time when you use the tag board you mistype your url so it leads to the error page...unless you're way smarter than that and you're doing it on purpose...* thinks *...Maybe....maybe not...The wife spent the night at a friends house last night...her usual thing to do on thursdays...getting high and drunk...don't worry...everything is still a ok on the homefront...Can't seem to find the boxes I brought home yesterday though...Anyways...Have to clean a bit in the house...Talk to all you people later...LOL...as usual there's not a lot of people reading this...Maybe later...See ya...